by: Joel Schwartzberg
Top Ten Things Divorced Dads Need to Realize
It seems like a new celebrity father gets divorced every week. Recent divorced dads include Jon Gosselin, Robin Williams, Usher, Mel Gibson, Bradley Whitford, Edward Furlong, and Thomas Jane -- and those are just the famous ones. Roughly half of all American marriages end in divorce and some studies suggest 60% of those splits involve children.
But while there's abundant advice directing divorced fathers to avoid "screwing up" the kids, 2009-07-23-dads.jpgthere's little out there to help dads appreciate the big parenting opportunity -- yes, opportunity -- before them.
Below are, IMHO, the ten most important things divorced fathers should realize as they transition parentally from "Husband and Father" to "One-and-Only Dad":
1) You divorced your ex, not your kids
Many divorced dads disconnect from their kids when they separate from their ex-wives, but the divorce can actually be an opportunity to re-connect with your children -- this time on your own terms.
2) The only parenting expectations worth a damn are your own
Divorce freed you from not only your ex-wife's expectations, but those of your parents, her parents, Dr. Phil, and all those dads you see talking joyously about fatherhood on television. You're the expert when it comes to your kids. Create your own expectations and standards.
3) There's no such thing as a part-time dad
You're either a dad or you're not. Many divorced dads spend more time with their kids than fathers in intact families. But no matter how much time you spend with your children, if you commit to it regularly and responsibly, you're a dad. Period. Exclamation point.
4) You are not a babysitter
There's no need to constantly take your children on expensive adventures, shower them with gifts, or keep them perpetually entertained, as if filling a perceived hole in their happiness. They are just as happy to simply be with you as you are to be with them.
5) Your children have two homes...and two sets of rules
Your kids don't "visit" you; they live with you. They have one home with Mom and another with Dad. And if they can adapt themselves to different rules between home and school, they can do the same between home and home. The phrase "But Mom lets us" carries no weight in your home.
6) You have an "inner dad"
There's an "inner dad" inside you. He's the one who tells you when it's OK to let your son stay up late, when it's appropriate to be interrupted on the phone by a whining daughter, and whether a tense situation calls for stern rules or just an all-out, no-shoes family wrestling match. You'll get to know that inner dad gradually, moment by moment, and in the process become a more genuine dad -- the best kind of dad you can be.
7) Most kids can cope
Divorce doesn't necessarily mean therapy time for your kids. Studies show that many children cope well with divorce, especially if there's joint custody and the kids are encouraged to openly express their feelings and fears. When I got divorced, a quick internet search told me I was ruining both my and my children's lives. But it didn't go down like that -- in fact, I now feel like a better dad than I've ever been and I've stopped treating Google like my conscience.
8) You can do what you like
Too many moms and dads feel martyrdom is a necessary part of the parenting process. Find those things that you and your children honestly enjoy together -- going to the movies, having cart-races at Kmart, bowling, or impulsively getting pizza in the mid-afternoon. Your children love nothing more than watching you enjoy yourself with them. And it's way more fun than standing on the playground sidelines checking your Blackberry, isn't it?
9) Your issues with the ex don't belong in your kids' lives
Like the corn and mashed potatoes on your first-grader's plate, your parenting should be separated from any conflicts you have with your ex. Children need to know their parents' love is unconditional and impenetrable, even and especially in the face of something as potentially devastating as divorce.
10) You'll screw up...and that's okay.
Making mistakes is as fundamental in parenting as making dinner. Own up to them -- your kids will learn that they can too.
Joel Schwartzberg is a father of three, an award-winning essayist, and author of the first-of-its kind collection of personal essays from the perspective of a divorced father, "The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad"
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Court knew man jailed for a year for non-support was not child's father
By BILL RANKIN
Frank Hatley has languished in a South Georgia jail for more than a year.
The reason? He failed to reimburse the state for all the public assistance his “son” received over the past two decades.
The problem? Hatley is not the biological father -- and a special assistant state attorney general and a judge knew it but jailed Hatley anyway.
“I feel bad for the man,” Cook County Sheriff Johnny Daughtrey said Tuesday. “Put yourself in that man’s shoes: If it wasn’t your child, would you want to be paying child support for him?”
Daughtrey said he hopes a hearing Wednesday will resolve the matter. Hatley has been held at the county jail in Adel since June 25, 2008, costing the county an estimated $35 to $40 a day.
Even after learning he was not the father, Hatley paid thousands of dollars the state said he owed for support. After losing his job and becoming homeless, he still made payments out of his unemployment benefits.
Hatley’s lawyer, Sarah Geraghty of the Southern Center for Human Rights in Atlanta, said two independent DNA tests -- one nine years ago and one just a few days ago -- prove he is not the biological father.
“This is a case of excessive zeal to recover money trumping common sense,” she said. “What possible legitimate reason can the state have to pursue Mr. Hatley for child support when he does not have any children?”
It may be difficult for Hatley to get out from under the court order, said Atlanta family lawyer Randall Kessler, who is not associated with the case. “It’s definitely unfair,” Kessler said. “But at the same time, he’s dealing with a valid court order.”
Russ Willard, a spokesman for the state attorney general, said if Hatley can show at the hearing that he is indigent, the state will not oppose his release.
Willard said Hatley could have applied to the state Office of Child Support Services to request that he be relieved of his obligations. He said Hatley has not made such a request.
According to court filings, Hatley was never told that he could have a court-appointed lawyer if he could not afford one. Geraghty said she only recently took on Hatley as a client after the sheriff asked her to talk to Hatley about his predicament.
Geraghty said Hatley had paid a total of $9,524.05 in support since April 1995, but records of payments before that time are not available.
In the 1980s, Hatley had a relationship with Essie Lee Morrison, who became pregnant, had a baby boy and told Hatley the child was his, according to court records. The couple never married and split up shortly after Travon was born in 1987.
In 1989, Morrison applied for public assistance through the state Department of Human Resources. The state then moved to get Hatley to reimburse the cost of Travon’s support, and Hatley agreed because he believed Travon was his son.
But in 2000, DNA samples from Hatley and Travon showed the two were not related, according to a court records.
With the help of a Georgia Legal Services lawyer, Hatley went to court and was relieved of his responsibility to pay future child support. But he still had to deal with being a deadbeat dad when it was assumed that he was really the dad.
Homerville lawyer Charles Reddick, working as a special assistant state attorney general, prepared an order requiring Hatley to pay the $16,398 he still owed the state for child support.
The Aug. 21, 2001 order, signed by Cook County Superior Court Judge Dane Perkins, acknowledges that Hatley was not Travon’s father.
After that, Hatley paid almost $6,000. But last year he was laid off from his job unloading charcoal grills from shipping containers. He became homeless and lived in his car. Still, Hatley made some child support payments using his unemployment benefits.
By May 2008, he apparently had not paid enough. In another order prepared by Reddick and signed by Perkins, Hatley was found in contempt and jailed. When he is released, the order said, Hatley must continue making payments to the state at a rate of $250 a month.
Frank Hatley has languished in a South Georgia jail for more than a year.
The reason? He failed to reimburse the state for all the public assistance his “son” received over the past two decades.
The problem? Hatley is not the biological father -- and a special assistant state attorney general and a judge knew it but jailed Hatley anyway.
“I feel bad for the man,” Cook County Sheriff Johnny Daughtrey said Tuesday. “Put yourself in that man’s shoes: If it wasn’t your child, would you want to be paying child support for him?”
Daughtrey said he hopes a hearing Wednesday will resolve the matter. Hatley has been held at the county jail in Adel since June 25, 2008, costing the county an estimated $35 to $40 a day.
Even after learning he was not the father, Hatley paid thousands of dollars the state said he owed for support. After losing his job and becoming homeless, he still made payments out of his unemployment benefits.
Hatley’s lawyer, Sarah Geraghty of the Southern Center for Human Rights in Atlanta, said two independent DNA tests -- one nine years ago and one just a few days ago -- prove he is not the biological father.
“This is a case of excessive zeal to recover money trumping common sense,” she said. “What possible legitimate reason can the state have to pursue Mr. Hatley for child support when he does not have any children?”
It may be difficult for Hatley to get out from under the court order, said Atlanta family lawyer Randall Kessler, who is not associated with the case. “It’s definitely unfair,” Kessler said. “But at the same time, he’s dealing with a valid court order.”
Russ Willard, a spokesman for the state attorney general, said if Hatley can show at the hearing that he is indigent, the state will not oppose his release.
Willard said Hatley could have applied to the state Office of Child Support Services to request that he be relieved of his obligations. He said Hatley has not made such a request.
According to court filings, Hatley was never told that he could have a court-appointed lawyer if he could not afford one. Geraghty said she only recently took on Hatley as a client after the sheriff asked her to talk to Hatley about his predicament.
Geraghty said Hatley had paid a total of $9,524.05 in support since April 1995, but records of payments before that time are not available.
In the 1980s, Hatley had a relationship with Essie Lee Morrison, who became pregnant, had a baby boy and told Hatley the child was his, according to court records. The couple never married and split up shortly after Travon was born in 1987.
In 1989, Morrison applied for public assistance through the state Department of Human Resources. The state then moved to get Hatley to reimburse the cost of Travon’s support, and Hatley agreed because he believed Travon was his son.
But in 2000, DNA samples from Hatley and Travon showed the two were not related, according to a court records.
With the help of a Georgia Legal Services lawyer, Hatley went to court and was relieved of his responsibility to pay future child support. But he still had to deal with being a deadbeat dad when it was assumed that he was really the dad.
Homerville lawyer Charles Reddick, working as a special assistant state attorney general, prepared an order requiring Hatley to pay the $16,398 he still owed the state for child support.
The Aug. 21, 2001 order, signed by Cook County Superior Court Judge Dane Perkins, acknowledges that Hatley was not Travon’s father.
After that, Hatley paid almost $6,000. But last year he was laid off from his job unloading charcoal grills from shipping containers. He became homeless and lived in his car. Still, Hatley made some child support payments using his unemployment benefits.
By May 2008, he apparently had not paid enough. In another order prepared by Reddick and signed by Perkins, Hatley was found in contempt and jailed. When he is released, the order said, Hatley must continue making payments to the state at a rate of $250 a month.
Friday, May 22, 2009
How To Win A Custody Case
Because of our tremendous success in the field of Georgia Father’s Rights, I am often asked what I do to “win” a difficult custody case.
The reality is, every successful attorney who wins fathers’ rights cases, simply manages the facts and presents the case to the judge. We argue positions that other attorneys are not willing to argue. However, the most important aspect of winning a fathers’ rights case is the client. There is no attorney in the world that can turn bad facts into a good case. If you left your wife, moved to another state, have not seen your children in years, and have not paid any child support in years, you will most likely not get custody.
On the other hand, if you have been involved in your children’s lives, and care more about the children than about hurting their mother, there is no reason for the court to assume that you are less of a candidate for a primary custodian than the mother.
The hardest cases to try are those where the father is as good of a parent as the mother. There is not really anything negative about either parent, and each wants custody. These are also the most difficult cases for judges to hear. How do they decide who should get custody? I attempt to “tell the story” of my client through collateral witness, through the children, through the use of the Guardian ad Litem, through neighbors, school counselors and other professionals who can attest to the benefit the children have had from having an involved father.
Another difficult case is where the father really is a better parent, but it is difficult to prove. The Mother may have been the stay-at-home primary caretaker, but she is not really doing a good job. The children still have all of their arms and legs, but they are not receiving the emotional nurturing and support they need. She feeds them fast food, although she does not work outside of the home. She sleeps all day, and does not keep up the house. Her days are spent sleeping, or attending tennis clinics or spa appointments, and the children are an afterthought. The Mother wants custody, but mostly because she needs the child support. These kinds of cases baffle my clients. They know they are the better parent, but they need help proving it. That is where an experienced attorney can make a difference.
The bottom line is - it really is an uphill battle for Fathers most of the time. I think this can be attributed to Fathers’ rights advocates who talk the talk but do not walk the walk. I recently represented a Mother, where the Father had been trying to reinstate his parenting rights after having been arrested 100 times, driving the 10 year old child around to buy drugs in hotel room, and abandoning the child at a bus stop and calling the mother to pick him up after he had left the child. The “Fathers’ Rights attorney” in his closing argument, eloquently stated how the presumption for fathers should be for joint custody, at which point, everyone in the courtroom rolled their eyes. That particular father was not exactly a cause the attorney should have gotten behind. It destroys credibility in the eyes of the court. Needless to say, that Father is still prohibited from seeing his child.
The only way to “win” a custody case is this: be a good father at all times, even when the mother makes it difficult. Spend quality time with your children. Help them with their homework, take them on educational experiences. Don’t be a Disneyland dad. If you are a good father, then others will see it. That way, when it is time to go to court, you will have no shortage of witnesses to testify about your exemplary parenting skills. That makes my job easier.
The reality is, every successful attorney who wins fathers’ rights cases, simply manages the facts and presents the case to the judge. We argue positions that other attorneys are not willing to argue. However, the most important aspect of winning a fathers’ rights case is the client. There is no attorney in the world that can turn bad facts into a good case. If you left your wife, moved to another state, have not seen your children in years, and have not paid any child support in years, you will most likely not get custody.
On the other hand, if you have been involved in your children’s lives, and care more about the children than about hurting their mother, there is no reason for the court to assume that you are less of a candidate for a primary custodian than the mother.
The hardest cases to try are those where the father is as good of a parent as the mother. There is not really anything negative about either parent, and each wants custody. These are also the most difficult cases for judges to hear. How do they decide who should get custody? I attempt to “tell the story” of my client through collateral witness, through the children, through the use of the Guardian ad Litem, through neighbors, school counselors and other professionals who can attest to the benefit the children have had from having an involved father.
Another difficult case is where the father really is a better parent, but it is difficult to prove. The Mother may have been the stay-at-home primary caretaker, but she is not really doing a good job. The children still have all of their arms and legs, but they are not receiving the emotional nurturing and support they need. She feeds them fast food, although she does not work outside of the home. She sleeps all day, and does not keep up the house. Her days are spent sleeping, or attending tennis clinics or spa appointments, and the children are an afterthought. The Mother wants custody, but mostly because she needs the child support. These kinds of cases baffle my clients. They know they are the better parent, but they need help proving it. That is where an experienced attorney can make a difference.
The bottom line is - it really is an uphill battle for Fathers most of the time. I think this can be attributed to Fathers’ rights advocates who talk the talk but do not walk the walk. I recently represented a Mother, where the Father had been trying to reinstate his parenting rights after having been arrested 100 times, driving the 10 year old child around to buy drugs in hotel room, and abandoning the child at a bus stop and calling the mother to pick him up after he had left the child. The “Fathers’ Rights attorney” in his closing argument, eloquently stated how the presumption for fathers should be for joint custody, at which point, everyone in the courtroom rolled their eyes. That particular father was not exactly a cause the attorney should have gotten behind. It destroys credibility in the eyes of the court. Needless to say, that Father is still prohibited from seeing his child.
The only way to “win” a custody case is this: be a good father at all times, even when the mother makes it difficult. Spend quality time with your children. Help them with their homework, take them on educational experiences. Don’t be a Disneyland dad. If you are a good father, then others will see it. That way, when it is time to go to court, you will have no shortage of witnesses to testify about your exemplary parenting skills. That makes my job easier.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Sex issue resolved: Bynum-Weeks marriage over
Sex issue resolved: Bynum-Weeks marriage over
By D. AILEEN DODD
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Published on: 06/20/08
The stormy marriage of ministers Juanita Bynum and Thomas Weeks III — temporarily calmed by a night of passion — ended this morning in a Gwinnett County courtroom.
A divorce was finalized for the couple at 10:45 a.m before Judge Debra Turner.
Both Bynum and Weeks expressed relief and a measure of joy that marriage, marked by a spectacular wedding, a high—profile ministry and a parking lot beat down, was over.
"It has been a long-awaited moment," said Bynum after the court hearing. "I had already made my [peace] with it."
Weeks, on probation for assaulting Bynum last summer, said he will always have a "special love" for her, but he is moving on.,
"I feel like it's a new day — a brand new life, a brand new time," Weeks said.
Bynum agreed to pay $40,000 of Weeks' attorney fees. They will keep individual assets they had before the marriage. Bynum wants to retrieve some personal items in Weeks possession, including a harp and sculpture.
Weeks a gets a 2004 Land Rover. And he pays any credit card debt in his name.
No alimony was granted.
The couple left the courtroom separately. They only said hello to each other before the hearing.
Before the final decree, the divorce proceeding was interrupted after Bynum revealed that the couple had sex last August after they had separated.
It was not revealed if conjugal connection happened after Weeks assaulted Bynum in a hotel parking lot last summer. Turner left the courtroom to research whether the divorce could be granted under Georgia law, which, in part, sees sex by separated couples as a act of reconciliation.
"My understanding is you can no longer have marital relations based on the date of separation that you file," Turner said.
Randy Kessler, Weeks' attorney, said that the couple had been living in separation and that Bynum filed for divorce after the sexual encounter.
"The fact that they had sex before she filed for divorce is an amendable defect," said Kessler, meaning the conjugal coupling should not void the divorce.
After the recess, Turner agreed to push the date of separation up to September to circumvent the reconciliation issue.
Weeks strolled into the Gwinnett County Justice and Administration Center around 9:30 a.m. with a smile on his face. He was flanked by two supporters, one of them his personal assistant.
Bynum, who arrived just before 10 am., said "I'm doing well, I feel great. It's not a sad thing."
She said she doesn't have any time to take off and heal from the divorce. She has been made a regular adviser on television's "Divorce Court," and two weeks ago, she was permanently added to the cast of "Lincoln Heights," an ABC network series featuring multicultural families. The prime time show airs on Mondays.
"I'm excited," she said.
Bynum, a nationally-known evangelist and Weeks, pastor of a once-large and prosperous church in Duluth, appeared to be a match made in heaven. But not even prayer could keep them together in the end.
Both pastors have accused each other of violence, however Weeks was the only one to face charges for it. In March, Weeks, leader of Global Destiny Ministries, pleaded guilty to aggravated assault charges for pushing, kicking and beating Bynum in the parking lot of the Renaissance Concourse Hotel in Atlanta last summer.
Bynum filed for divorce on the basis of cruel treatment soon after the August 2007 attack. The couple had already been separated for several months at the time.
Weeks and Bynum wed in an elaborate televised ceremony six years ago. They built a church and international ministry together in Duluth, but busy work schedules, financial troubles and alleged incidents of spousal abuse eventually severed their union.
Some followers of the couple, though, had prayed they would reconcile.
However, in the tell-all book on his love life with Bynum "What Love Taught Me" Weeks, who was sentenced to three years probation and community services for assaulting Bynum, accepts some responsibility for the downfall of his marriage. He said he was a "workaholic" who hadn't really learned to relax and lighten up.
"I am a very private person — somewhat introverted," Weeks wrote in his book. "I lack personality in many ways ... I was always serious, focused and nerdish ... maybe that was one of my great downfalls in developing relationships."
Weeks said Bynum was his polar opposite — outgoing and funny. But because she was so devoted to her ministry, he often felt lonely when she traveled on the job. Weeks said he missed the "connection" he had with his wife as a friend and a lover when she was gone preaching.
"I worked, worked, worked and worked to avoid feeling lonely," Weeks wrote in his book. Weeks said in his book there were "countless" women around him at church that offered to meet his needs, but he said he refrained from straying because of his faith and commitment to his church. "I have a legacy I have to carry out," he said.
Weeks said in his book he and his wife never became "best friends" because of their separate lives. He said Bynum would discuss their problems with others instead of keeping things quiet.
"I didn't call my mother and father and tell them about the problems we were having," he said.
Bynum, who has been divorced before, said during an appearance on Fox TV's Divorce Court that she tried to live with the problems in her troubled marriage.
"You are trained in the traditional sense of religion to be the person that is always fine," Bynum said. "I found myself trying to live up to that ... I didn't want to look stupid."
But after the attack, Bynum said she could no longer pretend that she was happily married. She said she got so depressed afterwards, she considered suicide. "Suicide crossed my mind, jumping out of the window crosses your mind," Bynum said. "I felt hopeless."
Divorce will not close the chapter on the couple's problems altogether.
It could open up new wounds for them and their followers. Healing could take some time for everyone, says David Key, director of Baptist Studies at Emory University's Candler School of Theology.
"A divorce is like any kind of loss," said Key. "There is a grieving process."
By D. AILEEN DODD
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Published on: 06/20/08
The stormy marriage of ministers Juanita Bynum and Thomas Weeks III — temporarily calmed by a night of passion — ended this morning in a Gwinnett County courtroom.
A divorce was finalized for the couple at 10:45 a.m before Judge Debra Turner.
Both Bynum and Weeks expressed relief and a measure of joy that marriage, marked by a spectacular wedding, a high—profile ministry and a parking lot beat down, was over.
"It has been a long-awaited moment," said Bynum after the court hearing. "I had already made my [peace] with it."
Weeks, on probation for assaulting Bynum last summer, said he will always have a "special love" for her, but he is moving on.,
"I feel like it's a new day — a brand new life, a brand new time," Weeks said.
Bynum agreed to pay $40,000 of Weeks' attorney fees. They will keep individual assets they had before the marriage. Bynum wants to retrieve some personal items in Weeks possession, including a harp and sculpture.
Weeks a gets a 2004 Land Rover. And he pays any credit card debt in his name.
No alimony was granted.
The couple left the courtroom separately. They only said hello to each other before the hearing.
Before the final decree, the divorce proceeding was interrupted after Bynum revealed that the couple had sex last August after they had separated.
It was not revealed if conjugal connection happened after Weeks assaulted Bynum in a hotel parking lot last summer. Turner left the courtroom to research whether the divorce could be granted under Georgia law, which, in part, sees sex by separated couples as a act of reconciliation.
"My understanding is you can no longer have marital relations based on the date of separation that you file," Turner said.
Randy Kessler, Weeks' attorney, said that the couple had been living in separation and that Bynum filed for divorce after the sexual encounter.
"The fact that they had sex before she filed for divorce is an amendable defect," said Kessler, meaning the conjugal coupling should not void the divorce.
After the recess, Turner agreed to push the date of separation up to September to circumvent the reconciliation issue.
Weeks strolled into the Gwinnett County Justice and Administration Center around 9:30 a.m. with a smile on his face. He was flanked by two supporters, one of them his personal assistant.
Bynum, who arrived just before 10 am., said "I'm doing well, I feel great. It's not a sad thing."
She said she doesn't have any time to take off and heal from the divorce. She has been made a regular adviser on television's "Divorce Court," and two weeks ago, she was permanently added to the cast of "Lincoln Heights," an ABC network series featuring multicultural families. The prime time show airs on Mondays.
"I'm excited," she said.
Bynum, a nationally-known evangelist and Weeks, pastor of a once-large and prosperous church in Duluth, appeared to be a match made in heaven. But not even prayer could keep them together in the end.
Both pastors have accused each other of violence, however Weeks was the only one to face charges for it. In March, Weeks, leader of Global Destiny Ministries, pleaded guilty to aggravated assault charges for pushing, kicking and beating Bynum in the parking lot of the Renaissance Concourse Hotel in Atlanta last summer.
Bynum filed for divorce on the basis of cruel treatment soon after the August 2007 attack. The couple had already been separated for several months at the time.
Weeks and Bynum wed in an elaborate televised ceremony six years ago. They built a church and international ministry together in Duluth, but busy work schedules, financial troubles and alleged incidents of spousal abuse eventually severed their union.
Some followers of the couple, though, had prayed they would reconcile.
However, in the tell-all book on his love life with Bynum "What Love Taught Me" Weeks, who was sentenced to three years probation and community services for assaulting Bynum, accepts some responsibility for the downfall of his marriage. He said he was a "workaholic" who hadn't really learned to relax and lighten up.
"I am a very private person — somewhat introverted," Weeks wrote in his book. "I lack personality in many ways ... I was always serious, focused and nerdish ... maybe that was one of my great downfalls in developing relationships."
Weeks said Bynum was his polar opposite — outgoing and funny. But because she was so devoted to her ministry, he often felt lonely when she traveled on the job. Weeks said he missed the "connection" he had with his wife as a friend and a lover when she was gone preaching.
"I worked, worked, worked and worked to avoid feeling lonely," Weeks wrote in his book. Weeks said in his book there were "countless" women around him at church that offered to meet his needs, but he said he refrained from straying because of his faith and commitment to his church. "I have a legacy I have to carry out," he said.
Weeks said in his book he and his wife never became "best friends" because of their separate lives. He said Bynum would discuss their problems with others instead of keeping things quiet.
"I didn't call my mother and father and tell them about the problems we were having," he said.
Bynum, who has been divorced before, said during an appearance on Fox TV's Divorce Court that she tried to live with the problems in her troubled marriage.
"You are trained in the traditional sense of religion to be the person that is always fine," Bynum said. "I found myself trying to live up to that ... I didn't want to look stupid."
But after the attack, Bynum said she could no longer pretend that she was happily married. She said she got so depressed afterwards, she considered suicide. "Suicide crossed my mind, jumping out of the window crosses your mind," Bynum said. "I felt hopeless."
Divorce will not close the chapter on the couple's problems altogether.
It could open up new wounds for them and their followers. Healing could take some time for everyone, says David Key, director of Baptist Studies at Emory University's Candler School of Theology.
"A divorce is like any kind of loss," said Key. "There is a grieving process."
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Single parents create happy new homes after divorce
Single parents create happy new homes after divorce
By H.M. CAULEY Atlanta Journal-Constitution Published on: 05/29/08
With the divorce rate hovering around 50 percent, it's no surprise that many of Stephanie Andrews' design clients find themselves starting over again. Unlike the recent grad who's just rented a new apartment or newlyweds moving into a starter home, the newly single often come with bits and pieces of their past to sort through, as well as a passion to put their own imprint on their surroundings quickly.
"There's so much psychology that goes into designing a home," said Andrews, owner of the Candler Park-based Balance Design. "Newly single people want to explore who they are and put that in their house. It's a chance for them to show their own personal style."
There's also something liberating about putting together a home without anyone else's approval. "They have full control and there's no need for compromise, which is very freeing for them," said Andrews. "They can have fun. About the only compromise they may have to make ends up being the cost."
For divorced parents, there's the additional desire to make a house a home very quickly for the children. And there are considerations such as where the family will spend time together. Where will the kids do their homework?
Here's a peek inside three Atlanta residences where single parents have put their own style on a new space.
Getting more for less in Doraville
Graphic designer Gabrielle LeBlanc's post-divorce budget made finding a new home in her 8-year-old's school district a challenge. But after 18 months in a Dunwoody apartment, she uncovered a 1960s brick ranch in Doraville that needed a bit of TLC."I knew I could make it work," she said.
LeBlanc ripped out carpeting and refinished the wood floors. She painted the trim and ceilings; installed new light fixtures; and added her own small details, such as replacing the wall switch covers. Her thriftiness extended to the furnishings. An inexpensive, three-tiered chandelier she found at IKEA got an upgrade when she added rows of crystals. A friend donated her kids' old crayon-covered art table that LeBlanc refinished to show off the wood. Instead of payment for a job, she traded her work for a futon. And she picked up some framed artworks for $1 at a yard sale.
LeBlanc scoured stores for decor deals and snagged several. A crescent-shaped table with repairable scratches was $90 at Ballard Designs. A low, glass-fronted buffet in the red dining room came from Crate and Barrel. A green suede sofa was a steal from World Market. Inexpensive cube shelving from IKEA created a storage unit for her son's toys.
LeBlanc warmed the house with personal items. Framed photos of New Orleans, her hometown, line the halls. A portrait of her grandmother, painted by her grandfather on their wedding day, graces her home office.
"I wanted a fresh slate," said LeBlanc. "And I liked being able to create my own space without having to ask anyone's permission."
Kids come first in Avondale Estates
Attorney Sheryl McCalla gave her real estate agent a short list of requirements when she went house shopping five years ago. She wanted to be close to her job in Midtown and near the intown school that her two children attend. Though the three-bedroom house in Avondale Estates wasn't an exact fit, McCalla knew it was a terrific place to start over after a divorce.
"I was looking for a family friendly house in a nice neighborhood," said McCalla. "Here, we can walk to the pool and playground and I have the support of other parents in the neighborhood."
The 1950s house had already undergone an extensive renovation, including the addition of a second floor and an open kitchen and family room. "That was key, because I wasn't in a position to do that kind of work," said McCalla.
In the large foyer, the base of the staircase leads to the second floor and into the family room as well. A former living room, with a fireplace, is now the red dining room. McCalla turned the old glass-enclosed porch into the art room, where her kids are free to paint on the walls, floors or windows as their creativity moves them.
The expanded kitchen has cherry cabinets and an island where the kids can do their homework while McCalla cooks. A corner eating area has a banquette for cozy seating. An adjacent small room holds all of the kids' toys and several musical instruments, while a former first-floor bedroom is now the TV room.
McCalla decorated her son's room with a space theme and had an artist paint her daughter's favorite flowers and garden scenes around her bed.
The move meant buying all new furniture. "The only things I had were a king-sized bed, two night stands, a dresser and an exercise bike," said McCalla. But she took her time tracking down the large wood dining table, with chairs and bench seating; a beige sofa and two chocolate chairs around the family room fireplace; and a round dining table in the breakfast nook.
The kids' artwork on various walls and framed playbills from New York shows that McCalla's parents collected are constant reminders of family connections.
"Simplicity was my goal," said McCalla. "But it was also important to make the house comfortable. And it had to feel like home."
At home at Dad's
Attorney Doug Kertscher started his search for a post-divorce house for his two young children by drawing a 10-mile circle around their primary residence. The perfect place turned up in the form of a 6-year-old house in Morningside.
"The house had been well-maintained, which was important because I work a lot of long hours, and I didn't want to have my children with me while I was fixing the roof," said Kertscher.
The three-story house came with enough open spaces for his children to run around and several areas that double as adult and kid areas. In the library, book shelves are lined with Dad's collection on the top rows; all of the kids' favorites are within their short reach below. A large rectangular ottoman opens to reveal a toy chest.
Kertscher was also insistent that the bedrooms be on the same level so the children would be close by. "And I wanted their rooms to have neat things," he said. In his boy's room, there's an outdoor theme with stars on the ceiling, star lights and camping knick-knacks. His daughter's room, painted in pinks and greens, has stick-on fairies and her name on the walls. The third level of the house has one big room outfitted with a desk and computer, including two kid-sized chairs that double as recliners. Another corner holds a drawing area and chalk boards where the kids can get creative.
A sun room houses the entertainment center in front of an over-sized chaise lounge big enough Kertscher and his tykes. "This is where we do our night-time reading," he said.
Kertscher furnished the house with new pieces, including the large-screen plasma on the wall of the living area, and what he describes as "strong, male colors."
"They're blues and grays, with some greens and reds, that are strong but still warm," he said.
Most of his attention was devoted to creating a home that was functional for him while also being a comfort zone for his kids.
"It was very important to have a place where they'd want to come," he said. "They love coming to Daddy's house; sometimes they'd rather come here than go to the park. And I've been really happy about that."
Tips for making a house a home fast:
• Instead of ordering furniture, ask about buying a floor sample that you can take home immediately. Not only can you get it right away, you may get a discount.
• Shop for ready-made items, such as curtains, drapes and bedding that can punch up a room in minutes.
• The biggest bang for your makeover buck is color. Select a color scheme that will flow throughout the house and make you feel good every time you enter.
• Make it personal by displaying your favorite items that have good memories.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Wife and teen groom denied custody of child
Wife and teen groom denied custody of child
Details of settlement not made public
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Published on: 05/05/08
Lisa Clark Gonzalez's bid to gain custody of the baby she had with her teenage boyfriend was settled Tuesday, but details weren't immediately available."They did not get custody, but they are pleased with today's developments," said Jan Young, Lisa Gonzalez' publicist.Attorneys for Gonzalez and Angela Perkins, Gonzalez' one-time friend and co-worker who has custody of the boy, reached a temporary decision on custody prior to a scheduled hearing at the Douglas County Courthouse. The lawyers will continue to negotiate the rights of both sides and the child.Young said the Gonzalezes did not have more comment on the advice of their attorney.
Citing the same instructions, Perkins also declined comment; her attorney, Andrea Molodovan, did not return two phone calls seeking comment."We would appreciate having some privacy for the family," said the attorney, Kim Dymecki, who declined to provide any further details of the agreement, which will be filed with the Superior Court in Douglas County.Tuesday morning, after Dymecki, Moldovan and Christy Draper, an attorney assigned to represent the boy's interests, informed Superior Court Judge Robert J. James of their decision, Dymecki and her clients fled the courthouse with a raft of TV photographers in their wake. Dymecki later described it as a "circus.""We all must remember there is a child at the center of this case," she said.
The case has caught the attention of metro Atlantans since Lisa Clark, then 37, Adrian Gonzalez, then 15 and a friend of her teenage son, got married after she became pregnant. Clark later served time for statutory rape and for helping Gonzalez escape a group home in DeKalb County. She delivered the baby, Skye Cobain Gonzalez, while in jail. After Lisa Conzalez was released from prison in February, she rejoined her husband and they now live with a friend near Gwinnett Place Mall in Duluth. Wife and husband are now 39 and 17, respectively.According to court records, Skye has been living with Perkins, who took care of the child when Gonzalez was in prison. Listing more than 12 reasons in court documents why Lisa and Adrian Gonzalez were unfit parents, Perkins has sought full custody.Dymecki expected an uphill battle. Monday, while saying she hoped for her clients to gain full custody of their son, she said that "at this point, we'll take whatever we can get."
Friday, April 18, 2008
Signs in Decatur point to marriage in trouble
Published on: 04/19/08
The signs of Rob and Karen Byers' marriage have been bleak the past three months.He's been living apart from her and their 1-year-old son.Last week, morning commuters near Emory University passed dozens of these signs posted by Rob Byers. "I made a big mistake," he says of what led to their separate homes in Decatur.They've been married for 11 years, college friends for a decade before. They were the quiet pair who always hung back at parties.
He's 38 and still in his head too much.She's 39, angry and confused by him, long wanting more emotion from him.In an effort to come home, he dreamed up something really big.
"I'm going to surprise you tomorrow," he told her by phone one night early last week. "And you're really going to like it."
The first yellow signs were stuck under her car wiper blades."Rob Loves Karen.""Karen I'm Sorry."Perplexed, she drove off — along the same route she takes every morning to her favorite bagel shop.
The same six words shouted from telephone poles along busy Clairmont and North Druid Hills roads. Along this popular commuting route to Emory University, the posters burst in the color of war ribbons.
He was wrong: She didn't really like it.At all.Have a loved one's best intentions ever ended up making you even madder? Then you know how she felt.
"Totally freaked," she said. "I felt like it was advertising to the world we had problems. I felt embarrassed that that was thrown out into the world. These are things I have only told a handful of close friends."
She tore down the first few, but "there were so, so many and the baby was in the car, I knew I was getting nowhere."She thought back on their pattern: his bad timing, her disappointment.
"It was like when he proposed," she says. "I was weak and in bed with a cold, and he got me out of bed and I was in my bathrobe when asked me. And I was furious that this is what I would remember forever."
He was at work when she called to vent about the posters: "If that was a surprise, it was really lame!"Her view changed after she talked to friends, who urged her to see his gestures as sweet and romantic, if misguided.
He did express how he felt, just not the way she ever imagined.Making something private so public opened up her eyes to a hidden truth."People have been so supportive and opened up," she says. "Everyone has problems even though they act like everything is fine."
Even though they don't know exactly where their marriage is headed or how they will get there, after all this, they realize that neither wants to give up.And both agree that's a good sign.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Sperm of soldier killed in Iraq frozen for widow
Sperm of soldier killed in Iraq frozen for widow
ATLANTA, Georgia (AP) -- A soldier's widow has succeeded in having sperm taken from his body and frozen four days after he was slain in Iraq, though medical experts said it's highly unlikely she would be able to bear his child.
Sgt. Dayne Darren Dhanoolal, 26, died March 31 when an explosive detonated near his vehicle in Baghdad. He had talked often with his wife, Kynesha, about having children, according to court papers filed by her lawyer.
ATLANTA, Georgia (AP) -- A soldier's widow has succeeded in having sperm taken from his body and frozen four days after he was slain in Iraq, though medical experts said it's highly unlikely she would be able to bear his child.
Sgt. Dayne Darren Dhanoolal, 26, died March 31 when an explosive detonated near his vehicle in Baghdad. He had talked often with his wife, Kynesha, about having children, according to court papers filed by her lawyer.
On Friday, a federal judge in Columbus, Georgia, granted her request for a temporary restraining order preventing the military from embalming the body until samples of Dhanoolal's sperm were extracted. The samples were taken later that day and are in the custody of a medical representative for the widow, who is hoping to be inseminated, even though fertility experts said the procedure almost certainly would not work with her late husband's sperm.
"It's not viable," Dr. Andrew McCullough, associate professor at the New York University School of Medicine, said Monday.
Sperm maintain nearly normal movement and some function for the first three hours after a man's death. After that, their movement and viability declines, according to the Web site for the department of urology at Cornell University's Joan and Sanford I. Weill Medical College.
Dr. John Park, a fertility expert and assistant professor at Emory University School of Medicine in Atlanta, said there have been reports of viable sperm being retrieved up to 36 hours after a man's death. But he said it is "highly unlikely" any viable sperm could be retrieved four days later.
Recovery of viable sperm appears relatively uncommon after 24 hours post-mortem unless the body has been cooled, the Cornell site says. It was not known what, if any, precautions were taken to keep Dhanoolal's body sufficiently cool before his sperm were extracted. Despite the odds, Kynesha Dhanoolal persuaded the judge to allow the sperm to be collected. Dhanoolal did not have a will but had signed a military form designating his mother, Monica Brown, to handle the disposition of his remains.
His widow asserted in court papers that Brown initially did not agree with her wishes. However, "There's no battle anymore," Kynesha Dhanoolal said Monday after speaking with her mother-in-law over the weekend.
The widow's attorney, Frank Myers, said emotions got in the way of reaching an agreement earlier. Now, "I think everybody is on the same page," he said. Brown did not return two calls to her Killeen, Texas, home on Monday. As of Monday, no agreement had been filed with the court, which will determine who gets possession of the sperm.
"Hopefully, the peace will last and everybody will be happy in the end," Myers said. Sgt. Dhanoolal was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 69th Armor Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 3rd Infantry Division at Fort Benning, in west Georgia. Fort Benning spokeswoman Monica Manganaro said she was not aware of another time where the widow of a soldier stationed at the base made such a request.
"This is strictly a personal choice of the family and not something we're involved with," Manganaro said. Dhanoolal's body was to be flown Monday from Dover Air Force Base in Delaware to Texas, where a funeral is planned this Friday, according to the widow's family. The widow's mother, Yvonne Watkins, said her daughter hopes to use her husband's sperm for artificial insemination as early as this summer. "We're trying to honor my daughter and Darren's wishes," Watkins said. "All of his comrades and anyone who knew them knew he wanted children."
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