10 tips for fathers going through a divorce

#9 – Put the new romance on the back burner

One of the most common things that turns a normal (read: inexpensive) divorce into an contentious (read: expensive) one is bringing another woman into the situation. Your current wife is already pissed off, so why may it worse by throwing your new, yoga-teaching girlfriend in her face? She might get so upset that she keeps you from your children. Is it right? No. Will it happen? You bet.

There is only so much your attorney can do to calm down the situation once you have inflamed it. Your parents are in town, and they would love to see their grandkids, but it’s not your parenting time. How likely is it that your ex will be nice and switch times with you if you brought new girlfriend to pick up the children one week after you separate. Be smart. The best decision is to wait until the divorce is concluded before you engage in a new relationship. Or, at the very least, be discreet.

10 tips for fathers going through a divorce

This is the 1st part of a ten-week series giving fathers advice on how to best manage their divorce cases.

Tip #10. Get a memory

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Years

I can't tell you how many men who are in my office for divorce consultations who look like a deer caught in headlights when I ask them their date of marriage or their children's birthdates. At the risk of stereotyping, women tend to be much better at knowing this information off the top of their heads. They know their children's birthdays, their social security numbers, teacher's names, principal's name, daycare worker's name, the pediatrician's name...you get the point.

Men, for some reason tend not to know this information. Referring to your son's teacher as "the cute blonde" will not win you any points in court. How do you expect to win primary or joint custody if you do not learn and retain this valuable information? Do you know your child's favorite toy, or did you always let your wife pack the to go bag? Do you know your children's favorite foods or the only way to stop your 2 year old from crying incessantly in the car is to give her Apple Cinnamon Cheerios?  An involved dad knows these things.

Keep a journal if you have to of important dates, events and tidbits about your children. This will help you refresh your recollection later if you have to testify in court.

Going Through a Divorce - Everything You Need to Know to Protect Yourself and Your Children

Going Through a Divorce - Everything You Need to Know to Protect Yourself and Your Children

By S Matthews

Going through a divorce is never an incredibly happy time, but there are ways to make it as stress-free as possible - and protect yourself and your interests while you're at it. Even if your divorce is a relatively amicable one, you still want to get the best deal you can, and hopefully protect yourself and your assets now and in future.

Top Ways to Protect Your Finances
Don't forget to change your will. Many couples forget to do this after the divorce. Don't.

When an imminent divorce is inevitable, there are simple ways to protect yourself from the financial fracas that will ensue. Get your finances in order and you'll be on your way to surviving the battle without any deep monetary scars...
* Open an individual checking account. Do this as soon as possible. Not only will it help your credit rating, but will also help you sort out who has what.

* Establish as much credit as possible. Credit is vital when it comes to borrowing money, and credit scores can affect future properties you may rent and even the type of job you get. Make sure you don't suffer any fall-out from your spouse's lousy credit rating, and do as much as possible to establish a solid credit rating of your own. If you've never had a credit card of your own before - and many women haven't, believe it or not - get on the horse as soon as possible.

* Track down credit cards. Make sure your spouse isn't charging things to your name, or on a joint credit card, which could affect your rating. Track down and cancel any joint accounts. This can be difficult if they are not being sent to your home address. You can freeze accounts by telling the credit card companies that you are going through a divorce.

* Take care of the mortgage and other loans. If you will continue living in the house it's important that only your name is on the mortgage, and vice versa. The divorce proceedings will sort out who is paying for what. Transfer the car to one name as well through the Department of Motor Vehicles, and sort out who is paying for what loans.

* Keep track of all investments etc. Go through all you and your spouse own with a fine-toothed comb, and make copies of every single financial document you unearth. This can include mortgage and life insurance documents, 401(k) statements, tax returns, bank statements, money market accounts etc. Also, make sure your name is on every legal document, especially the title or deed of property the two of you bought together.

* See if you qualify for alimony, support and/or maintenance. Support isn't based solely on gender - both men and women can get it. Similarly, you don't need to have kids to receive it. Don't make assumptions, get the facts. Speak to a divorce lawyer as soon as you can.

* Save money. You never know when you will need it, so now is not the time to be a spendthrift. Squirrel away what you can in your individual bank account - it might soon come in handy!

* Consider mediation as opposed to litigation. A lot less time-consuming - and costly. If it works, this is usually the best - and more financially viable way - to come to an agreement for everyone concerned.

* Don't forget to change your will. Many couples forget to do this after the divorce. Don't.

* Hire a financial planner with a specialty in divorce. They can advise you what to do next as far as asset division is concerned based on your current situation.

Top Ways to Protect Your Children
Your children should be top priority when it comes to a divorce, so don't make things worse by acting badly. Children do best when both parents stay involved in their lives, so keep this in mind next time you feel like telling your ex to jump off a tall building or move to the North Pole. Here are other ways to make your kids deal better with your divorce...

* Explain that it's not their fault. Don't let your kids grow up thinking they could have done something to prevent Mommy and Daddy from splitting up. Tell them it has nothing to do with them, and that both of you still love them more than anything.

* Answer their questions as honestly as possible. That doesn't mean telling them that Daddy had 12 affairs and is in love with a woman half his age, and that he enjoys dressing up in high heels and a pink feather boa when they're asleep. What it does mean, however, is being as honest as possible, while not involving them in things they don't really need to know.

* Keep things as amicable as possible in front of them. Airing petty grievances in front of the children and arguing constantly will only backfire in the long run.

* Aim for shared custody arrangements, if possible. Children benefit from being with both parents. Make sure they have two happy, harmonious home environments and try to have both parents as involved in their lives at school as possible. Encourage your child to maintain a close relationship with the other parent, and encourage each other to be as active as possible in your children's lives, without canceling appointments and trying always to be on time.

* Avoid the temptation to quiz your children about what is going on in the other parent's life, and don't use them to carry messages back and forth between you. They don't need the added responsibility, and it's not fair on them to feel they have to take sides or be in control of your relationship with your ex. Also, resist the urge to say bad things about the other parent in front of the kids.

Top Ways to Protect Yourself Personally
When all is said and done, you still have a life to live - on your own. Flying solo can be a liberating experience, once you've got over the shock of the divorce. Make it easier on yourself by following these simple tips...

* Make sure you are employable. If you haven't worked for years, don't panic. Speak to a career counselor or life coach about re-doing your resume. Maybe all you need is to take a few courses or have an internship to get back on top of things. Maybe not: your life experience will count for more than you think!

* Have lots of friends and family around you. Don't suffer things on your own. Seeing a film or visiting an art gallery can take your mind off your problems, if only for a few hours. Ask for support if you need it and try to enjoy the little things in life.

* Seek new friends. Many married couples rely on other married couples for companionship, and often are left high and dry when they venture out on their own. Starting a new hobby can help you develop new interests and meet new people while you're at it.

* Resist the rebound. While having new relationships can be fantastic, don't jump into a full-time romance immediately. Take the time to look around and enjoy yourself. Don't let friends set you up on a date, at least for a while. Being on your own is important - for now.

Going through a divorce is never easy, but there are ways to minimize both the pain and the hassle. If you play your cards right you can make the whole process run as smoothly as possible - and make sure your future is financially secure as well. Take your time and get the help you need, and keep up a positive, optimistic outlook. Good luck!

Sarah Matthews is a writer for Yodle, a business directory and online advertising company. Find a Healer at Yodle Local or more Health & Medicine articles at Yodle Consumer Guide.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=S_Matthews

Georgia Fathers' Rights Attorneys

Facebook, MySpace and Twitter Evidence in Custody Battles and Divorce

In this new age of technology, watch what you put on the web. Did you friend your soon-to-be ex wife's aunt and forget about it because she never posts? If so, then you can be guaranteed she will be gleefully printing pictures and posts on your page and handing them to her attorney for evidence against you. Did you playfully suggest on Facebook that you want to "leave the kids at home and get smashed tonight?" Then, be prepared for it to turn up as Exhibit A at your trial.

Edwards & Associates recently won custody for a father at trial. Included as primary exhibits were her Facebook and Myspace pages. Of particular interest were several scantily clad pictures of the young mother of 4, and posting of her announcing that she "goes to the club too much" and that she "was drinking IN THE CAR on the way to the club." She turned bright red and said that was her personal business. The Court did not agree and stripped her of custody and ordered her to pay child support. Here is a great recent article printed in the AJC.

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Facebook a treasure trove for divorce lawyers

By Larry Hartstein

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
9:55 a.m. Thursday, February 11, 2010

As if divorce lawyers needed more ammunition.

In a new survey, 81 percent say they've seen an increase in the use of Facebook and other social networking sites for evidence in divorce cases. Notes to lovers, compromising photos -- Facebook provides a wealth of incriminating information.

"Every client I've seen in the last six months had a Facebook page," said Ken Altshuler, a longtime divorce lawyer from Portland, Maine, who is first vice president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. "And the first piece of advice I give them is to terminate their page immediately."

Sixty-six percent of the attorneys surveyed by the AAML called Facebook the unrivaled leader for online divorce evidence, followed by MySpace (15 percent) and Twitter (5 percent).

"Going through a divorce always results in heightened levels of personal scrutiny," said Marlene Eskind Moses of Nashville, the group's president. "If you publicly post any contradictions to previously made statements and promises, an estranged spouse will certainly be one of the first people to notice and make use of that evidence."

Altshuler cited a couple cases in which Facebook proved key:

A woman was getting divorced from her alcoholic husband and seeking custody of their kids. The husband told the judge he had found God and hadn't had a drink in months, but Altshuler found a recent Facebook photo showing him "holding a beer in each hand with a joint in his mouth," the lawyer said.

Then there was the custody case in which his client's ex-wife claimed to be engaged. She was trying to show she'd provide a stable household for the kids.

But the same woman had posted on Facebook that she'd broken up with her abusive boyfriend and "if anybody had a rich friend to let her know," Altshuler said.

The ex-husband's friend gave him the posting; he was still Facebook friends with the ex-wife.

"People don't think about who has access to their Facebook page," Altshuler said. "A good attorney can have a field day with this information."

American jailed in Japan for trying to reclaim his children


Had this custody drama played out in the United States, Christopher Savoie might be considered a hero -- snatching his two little children back from an ex-wife who defied the law and ran off with them.
A Tennessee court awarded Christopher Savoie custody of his son, Isaac, and daughter, Rebecca.

A Tennessee court awarded Christopher Savoie custody of his son, Isaac, and daughter, Rebecca.

But this story unfolds 7,000 miles away in the Japanese city of Fukuoka, where the U.S. legal system holds no sway.

And here, Savoie sits in jail, charged with the abduction of minors. And his Japanese ex-wife -- a fugitive in the United States for taking his children from Tennessee -- is considered the victim.

"Japan is an important partner and friend of the U.S., but on this issue, our points of view differ," the U.S. Embassy in Tokyo said Tuesday. "Our two nations approach divorce and child-rearing differently. Parental child abduction is not considered a crime in Japan."

The story begins in the Nashville suburb of Franklin, Tennessee, with the January divorce of Savoie from his first wife, Noriko, a Japanese native. The ex-wife had agreed to live in Franklin to be close to the children, taking them to Japan for summer vacations.

Savoie in March requested a restraining order to prevent his ex-wife from taking the children to Japan, saying she had threatened to do so, according to court documents obtained by CNN affiliate WTVF and posted on the station's Web site. A temporary order was issued, but then lifted following a hearing.

"If Mother fails to return to Tennessee [after summer vacation] with the children following her visitation period, she could lose her alimony, child support and education fund, which is added assurance to Father that she is going to return with the children," Circuit Court Judge James G. Martin III noted in his order on the matter.

After that ruling, Christopher Savoie tried to have Martin recuse himself, as he was a mediator in the case prior to becoming a judge, said Marlene Eskind Moses, Noriko Savoie's attorney. But that request was denied, as Savoie earlier said he had no concerns about Martin hearing the matter.

Following the summer trip, Noriko Savoie did return to the United States, and Christopher Savoie then took the children on a vacation, returning them to his ex-wife, his attorney, Paul Bruno, told CNN. Video Watch latest report on Savoie's situation.

But days later, on the first day of classes for 8-year-old Isaac and 6-year-old Rebecca, the school called Savoie to say his children hadn't arrived, Bruno said. Police checked Noriko Savoie's home and did not find the children.

Concerned, Savoie called his ex-wife's father in Japan, who told him not to worry.

"I said, 'What do you mean -- don't worry? They weren't at school.' 'Oh, don't worry, they are here,' " Savoie recounted the conversation to CNN affiliate WTVF earlier this month. "I said, 'They are what, they are what, they are in Japan?' "

The very thing that Savoie had predicted in court papers had happened -- his wife had taken their children to Japan and showed no signs of returning, Bruno said.

After Noriko Savoie took the children to Japan, Savoie filed for and received full custody of the children, Bruno said. And Franklin police issued an arrest warrant for his ex-wife, the television station reported.

But there was a major hitch: Japan is not a party to the 1980 Hague Convention on international child abduction. The international agreement standardizes laws, but only among participating countries.

So while Japanese civil law stresses that courts resolve custody issues based on the best interest of the children without regard to either parent's nationality, foreign parents have had little success in regaining custody.

Japanese family law follows a tradition of sole custody divorces. When a couple splits, one parent typically makes a complete and lifelong break from the children.

In court documents filed in May, Noriko Savoie denied that she was failing to abide by the terms of the couple's court-approved parenting plan or ignoring court-appointed parent coordinators. She added she was "concerned about the stability of Father, his extreme antagonism towards Mother and the effect of this on the children."

Noriko Savoie could not be reached by CNN for comment.

Bruno said he helped Christopher Savoie pursue legal remedies to recover the children, working with police, the FBI and the State Department.

"We tried to do what we could to get the kids back," Bruno said. "There was not a whole lot we can do."

"Our court system failed him," said Diane Marshall, a court-appointed parent coordinator who helped Savoie make decisions about the children. "It's just a mess."

But Moses, Noriko Savoie's attorney, told CNN that the children's father had other legal options.

The International Association for Parent-Child Reunion, formed in Japan this year, claims to know of more than 100 cases of children abducted by non-custodial Japanese parents.

And the U.S. State Department says it is not aware of a single case in which a child taken from the United States to Japan has been ordered returned by Japanese courts -- even when the left-behind parent has a U.S. custody decree.

Facing such statistics and the possibility of never seeing his kids again, Savoie took matters into his own hands.

He flew to Fukuoka. And as his ex-wife walked the two children to school Monday morning, Savoie drove alongside them.

He grabbed the kids, forced them into his car, and drove off, said police in Fukuoka.

He headed for the U.S. consulate in that city to try to obtain passports for Isaac and Rebecca.

But Japanese police, alerted by Savoie's ex-wife, were waiting.

Consulate spokeswoman Tracy Taylor said she heard a scuffle outside the doors of the consulate. She ran up and saw a little girl and a man, whom police were trying to talk to.

Eventually, police took Savoie away, charging him with the abduction of minors -- a charge that carries a jail sentence of up to five years.

Bruno said if the situation were reversed and a Japanese parent had abducted a Japanese child and fled to America, U.S. courts would "correct that problem, because it's a crime."

He said he has "concerns about Japan ... providing a place for people to abduct children and go to. The parent left behind does not have recourse." He added, "the president and his administration should do something to correct this."

The consulate met with Savoie on Monday and Tuesday, Taylor said. It has provided him with a list of local lawyers and said it will continue to assist.
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Meanwhile, the international diplomacy continues. During the first official talks between the United States and Japan's new government, the issue of parental abductions was raised.

But it is anybody's guess what happens next to Savoie, who sits in a jail cell.

CNN's Kyung Lah in Tokyo, Japan, and Aaron Cooper, Saeed Ahmed and Carolina Sanchez in Atlanta, Georgia, contributed to this report.

Atlanta Fathers Rights Lawyer Family Law Attorney Georgia

Top Ten Things Divorced Dads Need to Realize

by: Joel Schwartzberg

Top Ten Things Divorced Dads Need to Realize

It seems like a new celebrity father gets divorced every week. Recent divorced dads include Jon Gosselin, Robin Williams, Usher, Mel Gibson, Bradley Whitford, Edward Furlong, and Thomas Jane -- and those are just the famous ones. Roughly half of all American marriages end in divorce and some studies suggest 60% of those splits involve children.

But while there's abundant advice directing divorced fathers to avoid "screwing up" the kids, 2009-07-23-dads.jpgthere's little out there to help dads appreciate the big parenting opportunity -- yes, opportunity -- before them.

Below are, IMHO, the ten most important things divorced fathers should realize as they transition parentally from "Husband and Father" to "One-and-Only Dad":

1) You divorced your ex, not your kids

Many divorced dads disconnect from their kids when they separate from their ex-wives, but the divorce can actually be an opportunity to re-connect with your children -- this time on your own terms.

2) The only parenting expectations worth a damn are your own

Divorce freed you from not only your ex-wife's expectations, but those of your parents, her parents, Dr. Phil, and all those dads you see talking joyously about fatherhood on television. You're the expert when it comes to your kids. Create your own expectations and standards.

3) There's no such thing as a part-time dad

You're either a dad or you're not. Many divorced dads spend more time with their kids than fathers in intact families. But no matter how much time you spend with your children, if you commit to it regularly and responsibly, you're a dad. Period. Exclamation point.

4) You are not a babysitter

There's no need to constantly take your children on expensive adventures, shower them with gifts, or keep them perpetually entertained, as if filling a perceived hole in their happiness. They are just as happy to simply be with you as you are to be with them.

5) Your children have two homes...and two sets of rules

Your kids don't "visit" you; they live with you. They have one home with Mom and another with Dad. And if they can adapt themselves to different rules between home and school, they can do the same between home and home. The phrase "But Mom lets us" carries no weight in your home.

6) You have an "inner dad"

There's an "inner dad" inside you. He's the one who tells you when it's OK to let your son stay up late, when it's appropriate to be interrupted on the phone by a whining daughter, and whether a tense situation calls for stern rules or just an all-out, no-shoes family wrestling match. You'll get to know that inner dad gradually, moment by moment, and in the process become a more genuine dad -- the best kind of dad you can be.

7) Most kids can cope

Divorce doesn't necessarily mean therapy time for your kids. Studies show that many children cope well with divorce, especially if there's joint custody and the kids are encouraged to openly express their feelings and fears. When I got divorced, a quick internet search told me I was ruining both my and my children's lives. But it didn't go down like that -- in fact, I now feel like a better dad than I've ever been and I've stopped treating Google like my conscience.

8) You can do what you like

Too many moms and dads feel martyrdom is a necessary part of the parenting process. Find those things that you and your children honestly enjoy together -- going to the movies, having cart-races at Kmart, bowling, or impulsively getting pizza in the mid-afternoon. Your children love nothing more than watching you enjoy yourself with them. And it's way more fun than standing on the playground sidelines checking your Blackberry, isn't it?

9) Your issues with the ex don't belong in your kids' lives

Like the corn and mashed potatoes on your first-grader's plate, your parenting should be separated from any conflicts you have with your ex. Children need to know their parents' love is unconditional and impenetrable, even and especially in the face of something as potentially devastating as divorce.

10) You'll screw up...and that's okay.

Making mistakes is as fundamental in parenting as making dinner. Own up to them -- your kids will learn that they can too.


Joel Schwartzberg is a father of three, an award-winning essayist, and author of the first-of-its kind collection of personal essays from the perspective of a divorced father, "The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad"