Signs in Decatur point to marriage in trouble

Signs in Decatur point to marriage in trouble
By MICHELLE HISKEY
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Published on: 04/19/08

The signs of Rob and Karen Byers' marriage have been bleak the past three months.He's been living apart from her and their 1-year-old son.Last week, morning commuters near Emory University passed dozens of these signs posted by Rob Byers. "I made a big mistake," he says of what led to their separate homes in Decatur.They've been married for 11 years, college friends for a decade before. They were the quiet pair who always hung back at parties.

He's 38 and still in his head too much.She's 39, angry and confused by him, long wanting more emotion from him.In an effort to come home, he dreamed up something really big.
"I'm going to surprise you tomorrow," he told her by phone one night early last week. "And you're really going to like it."
The first yellow signs were stuck under her car wiper blades."Rob Loves Karen.""Karen I'm Sorry."Perplexed, she drove off — along the same route she takes every morning to her favorite bagel shop.

The same six words shouted from telephone poles along busy Clairmont and North Druid Hills roads. Along this popular commuting route to Emory University, the posters burst in the color of war ribbons.
He was wrong: She didn't really like it.At all.Have a loved one's best intentions ever ended up making you even madder? Then you know how she felt.

"Totally freaked," she said. "I felt like it was advertising to the world we had problems. I felt embarrassed that that was thrown out into the world. These are things I have only told a handful of close friends."
She tore down the first few, but "there were so, so many and the baby was in the car, I knew I was getting nowhere."She thought back on their pattern: his bad timing, her disappointment.
"It was like when he proposed," she says. "I was weak and in bed with a cold, and he got me out of bed and I was in my bathrobe when asked me. And I was furious that this is what I would remember forever."

He was at work when she called to vent about the posters: "If that was a surprise, it was really lame!"Her view changed after she talked to friends, who urged her to see his gestures as sweet and romantic, if misguided.

He did express how he felt, just not the way she ever imagined.Making something private so public opened up her eyes to a hidden truth."People have been so supportive and opened up," she says. "Everyone has problems even though they act like everything is fine."
Even though they don't know exactly where their marriage is headed or how they will get there, after all this, they realize that neither wants to give up.And both agree that's a good sign.

Sperm of soldier killed in Iraq frozen for widow

Sperm of soldier killed in Iraq frozen for widow
ATLANTA, Georgia (AP) -- A soldier's widow has succeeded in having sperm taken from his body and frozen four days after he was slain in Iraq, though medical experts said it's highly unlikely she would be able to bear his child.
Sgt. Dayne Darren Dhanoolal, 26, died March 31 when an explosive detonated near his vehicle in Baghdad. He had talked often with his wife, Kynesha, about having children, according to court papers filed by her lawyer.

On Friday, a federal judge in Columbus, Georgia, granted her request for a temporary restraining order preventing the military from embalming the body until samples of Dhanoolal's sperm were extracted. The samples were taken later that day and are in the custody of a medical representative for the widow, who is hoping to be inseminated, even though fertility experts said the procedure almost certainly would not work with her late husband's sperm.
"It's not viable," Dr. Andrew McCullough, associate professor at the New York University School of Medicine, said Monday.

Sperm maintain nearly normal movement and some function for the first three hours after a man's death. After that, their movement and viability declines, according to the Web site for the department of urology at Cornell University's Joan and Sanford I. Weill Medical College.
Dr. John Park, a fertility expert and assistant professor at Emory University School of Medicine in Atlanta, said there have been reports of viable sperm being retrieved up to 36 hours after a man's death. But he said it is "highly unlikely" any viable sperm could be retrieved four days later.

Recovery of viable sperm appears relatively uncommon after 24 hours post-mortem unless the body has been cooled, the Cornell site says. It was not known what, if any, precautions were taken to keep Dhanoolal's body sufficiently cool before his sperm were extracted. Despite the odds, Kynesha Dhanoolal persuaded the judge to allow the sperm to be collected. Dhanoolal did not have a will but had signed a military form designating his mother, Monica Brown, to handle the disposition of his remains.

His widow asserted in court papers that Brown initially did not agree with her wishes. However, "There's no battle anymore," Kynesha Dhanoolal said Monday after speaking with her mother-in-law over the weekend.
The widow's attorney, Frank Myers, said emotions got in the way of reaching an agreement earlier. Now, "I think everybody is on the same page," he said. Brown did not return two calls to her Killeen, Texas, home on Monday. As of Monday, no agreement had been filed with the court, which will determine who gets possession of the sperm.

"Hopefully, the peace will last and everybody will be happy in the end," Myers said. Sgt. Dhanoolal was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 69th Armor Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 3rd Infantry Division at Fort Benning, in west Georgia. Fort Benning spokeswoman Monica Manganaro said she was not aware of another time where the widow of a soldier stationed at the base made such a request.

"This is strictly a personal choice of the family and not something we're involved with," Manganaro said. Dhanoolal's body was to be flown Monday from Dover Air Force Base in Delaware to Texas, where a funeral is planned this Friday, according to the widow's family. The widow's mother, Yvonne Watkins, said her daughter hopes to use her husband's sperm for artificial insemination as early as this summer. "We're trying to honor my daughter and Darren's wishes," Watkins said. "All of his comrades and anyone who knew them knew he wanted children."

Custody dispute pits famed producer against Roswell mom

By D.L. BENNETT

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Published on: 03/26/08
Under the professional name "BT," Brian Transeau has produced Sting and Madonna.
He has scored major motion pictures like "Monster," "Stealth" and "The Fast and the Furious." He's written sound tracks for Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2005 and other video games.
And his reputation for blending technology and rhythm have earned his albums a cult-like following.
But for the past few months, Transeau, 37, has gotten more attention for a bitter family feud with a Roswell woman, Karen Durrett, and her daughter, Ashley Duffy. It centers on the break-up of Transeau and Duffy's long relationship and custody and care of their 3-year-old daughter.
Atlanta has become the latest battleground for a struggle that's already wound its way through courts in Maryland and California.

Transeau failed late Tuesday to convince a Fulton County magistrate judge that Durrett should be kept away from his daughter. But Judge Karen Woodson gave lawyers for both sides a week to work out an order keeping the artist and Durrett apart.

"I'm asking everybody here to stop with all the blogs," Woodson said, "to stop all the e-mails, to have no have discussions at all. Nobody goes on 'Montel.' Nothing."
Transeau claimed Tuesday that he feared for his life from Durrett, a Roswell mother of three. He claimed Durrett had threatened him on the phone and posted disturbing messages on the Internet over the past several months.

Transeau and Weinstock said the artist has reason to fear Durrett because of a past that includes years of battering her children, extensive alcohol and drug abuse.
Durrett said her 27-year-old daughter graduated from Roswell High School before meeting Transeau at a concert and eventually moving to Los Angeles.
She testified that she has reformed her life and is now a church-going suburban mother who is no danger to Transeau.

"I did not make any threats to Mr. Transeau," she said, explaining that any blog postings that seemed threatening were just a mother venting anger and not real threats.
Her lawyer, Jason Coffman, argued Transeau was using his client's past as a smear campaign to settle personal scores, not because she's dangerous.

A California court ordered Transeau and Duffy to share custody last year, testimony showed. But in mid-December, Duffy disappeared with the couple's toddler daughter after a custodial visit in Maryland.

Six weeks later, federal authorities, Transeau and private investigators he had hired found Duffy, their little girl and Durrett in a rented apartment in California, according to testimony. Transeau got his daughter back. Duffy was arrested, and said she spent four days in jail before being released without charges.

The couple continue to spar over custody in Los Angeles. Meanwhile, Transeau moved the battle to Atlanta because Durrett lives in Roswell.
Earliert his month, Transeau filed suit in Fulton County Superior Court against Durrett, accusing her of defamation and interference with custody.

The suit claims Durrett has damaged Transeau's ability to earn a living by waging a withering online attack on him and helping to arrange for Duffy to take his daughter earlier this year.
He claims some job opportunities have dried up because of postings Durrett placed on various blogs calling Transeau an abuser and someone who emotes "darkness and evil."

Forget silver anniversaries: Many couples grapple with 'gray divorce'

Forget silver anniversaries: Many couples grapple with 'gray divorce'
By ELLEN LYON

Associated Press Published on: 03/24/08

It's been nearly a year since Sherman Smith's 33-year marriage ended in a divorce that, he said, his ex-wife wanted after she realized she didn't love him in the same way anymore. "A divorce is kind of like a death, but she's still there and I can't have her," said Smith, 55, of Elliottsburg, Pa. "I was really looking forward to retiring some day and spending more time with her." Smith has spent 18 months in a divorce support group. "I'm not 100 percent, but I'm pretty doggone good," he said. Annie, 69, of Enola, Pa., who didn't want her last name used, has been divorced since September after her husband of 47 years left her for an old high school flame. Annie said she had considered their marriage a happy one. Divorce simply wasn't in the realm of possibilities for them.

"It hit me in the face like a two-ton truck," she said. "I hadn't a clue. It was the most absolutely horrible thing that ever happened to me. I'm still not over it. I'll never be over it." Although the divorce rate is highest among men ages 30 to 34 and women ages 25 to 29, attorneys, marriage counselors and researchers say that increasingly, people in their 50s, 60s and 70s are grappling with what has come to be known as "gray divorce."

Higher incomes, advanced education and longer lives contribute to the trend, said Gordon Nelson, an associate professor of human development and family studies at Penn State. "People might be becoming increasingly more independent," he said. Mature people in long-term marriages often have multiple and complex reasons for calling it quits.

The '60s generation, more focused on happiness and personal fulfillment and less inhibited about divorce, is moving into its 60s, New Cumberland, Pa., psychologist and marriage and family therapist Sally Tice noted. And as people live longer "there's more years to think of putting up" with unhappy marriages, she said. Raising children can take a toll, too.

"It's very typical for couples to grow apart during the adolescent years of their children," Tice said. And if they haven't renewed their relationship, it can fall by the wayside. Carlisle, Pa., divorce and family law attorney Carol Lindsay identified one age-old reason for gray divorce: the midlife crisis. This temporary emotional upheaval is seldom referred to as such by anyone in the midst of one, and it's typically a male phenomenon, she said. "There's this vague longing. Mortality is calling," Lindsay said. "People throw over things they have. ... There's this sense that I missed something."

But it's not always true that older men find it easier to remarry, said Camp Hill attorney Corky Goldstein — whose oldest divorce client was 81 and "very, very unhappy" in a 44-year marriage. "If you don't really have any money, a man in his 70s is not going to attract a younger woman," he said. Yet, while divorce at midlife used to be more of a "male deal," increasingly women are initiating it, Lindsay said. A 2004 AARP study of persons who had divorced between the ages of 40 and 70 confirmed Lindsay's observations: 66 percent of the women surveyed said they had asked for the divorce, compared with 41 percent of the men.

Lindsay believes a different kind of midlife event is often at work with women who, for years, cared for their husband and children. "The hormone for taking care of people goes away and they're sick of it," she said. "They're just not in the nurturing mode any more." Sometimes it has to do with women getting jobs and having the money to leave, coupled with a softening of the taboo against divorce, Lindsay said. Gray divorces generally don't have the grueling, heart-rending custody issues common in younger couple's divorces, but they can be wrought with the complications of property ownership and division of assets.

In Smith's case, his ex-wife had her own pension plan, he said. Annie, a retired teacher, also has her own pension and Social Security, but she resents how the divorce has changed her financial situation. "When my husband and I were together we had enough money to do whatever we wanted and now I'm strapped," she said. Some older couples show their maturity in the way they handle their divorce. "Sometimes there are graceful older people and you are so grateful for them as clients," Lindsay said. "I always think a long marriage deserves to be honored with a

respectful divorce."

TIPS FOR SURVIVING DIVORCE IN LATER LIFE
• Join a support group.

• Develop same-sex friendships.

• Volunteer.

• Don't isolate yourself.

Seek out the medical, mental health and spiritual resources. • Give yourself time to grieve and heal.

• Consult an attorney and a financial adviser before signing any documents regarding marital assets. Choose an attorney who will advise you of your rights and represent your interests but who won't escalate matters beyond your comfort level. You both are going to want to attend the grandchildren's birthday parties.

Sources: DivorceCare support group leaders Beth and Wayne Janis, Mechanicsburg, Pa.; attorney Jeanne Costopoulos, Camp Hill, Pa., attorney Corky Goldstein.

How Much Life Insurance do You Need After Divorce?

How Much Life Insurance Do You Need After Divorce?
(provided by Ann O'Flanagan, Esq.)

Experts believe that a surviving spouse with children needs at least $100,000.00 worth of insurance for every $500.00 of pre-tax income. If you require $3,000.00 a month ($36,000.00 per year) to cover your expenses, your spouse should have $600,000.00 of life insurance. ($3,000.00/500.00 = 6; 6 x 100,000.00 = $600,000.00) of insurance to meet your bills. The surviving souse would invest the $600,000.00 at a conservative interest rate of 6 % which would generate $36,000.00 a year in interest before taxes. Because the surviving spouse and children would be living off the interest, rather than the principal. the income would last forever. Many people feel that $50.000.00 worth of insurance, that's commonly part of, an employee benefit's package. is enough. It is not.Therefore, at the time of divorce, it is imperative that additional insurance be obtained so that, in the event that your spouse dies, and alimony and child support ceases, the surviving spouse and children have sufficient funds to live on.To get life insurance "by telephone or on line" the following sources can be considered:

InsuranceQuote Services 800-972-1104
http://www.iquote.com/

MasterQuote 800-337-5433
http://www.masterquote.com/

QuickQuote 800-867-2404
http://www.quickquote.com/

Quotesmith.com 800-556-9393
http://www.insure.com/

TermQuote 800-444-8376
http://www.termquote.com/

Information provided by: Ann O'Flanagan located at http://www.divorcesource.com/NJ/oflanagan.html

Credit Card Debt in Divorce

Credit Card Debt in Divorce

By Aaron Larson

Law Offices of Aaron Larson

While divorcing couples frequently carry credit card debt, often little attention is paid to these debts beyond their being assigned to one spouse or the other in the divorce judgment. Care must be taken that a spouse will not be held responsible for additional credit card debts incurred by the other, and that each spouse is protected to the maximum extent possible if the other fails to make payments and ultimately to pay off their share of any joint credit card debt. Remember: Creditors are not obligated to respect the terms of your divorce judgment.

Assigning Responsibility for Credit Card Debt

Often the parties to a divorce will assign to each spouse the responsibility for specific credit cards and their associated debt. To help ensure that all joint debts are identified, including any credit cards which may have been taken out by one spouse without the other's knowledge, it may be beneficial to get copies of the credit reports of the divorcing couple, and to make sure that the debt from any creditor not paid off in full is assigned to one spouse or the other.

Cutting Off Your Liability For Additional Debt

When you divorce, you should make sure that you either close any joint credit cards, or that at a minimum you have your name removed from any joint accounts which will continue to be used by your spouse. This will not end your liability for debts incurred up to that point, but should end your responsibility for any new debts incurred on those accounts by your spouse. Similarly, if you hold any accounts in your own name for which your spouse is an authorized signer, you should revoke the authorization.

Protecting Yourself From Default or Bankruptcy

It is not unusual after a divorce for one spouse to fail to pay off a joint credit card debt which predates the divorce. If appropriate steps weren't taken to cut off liability, sometimes a joint account will remain open with both spouses liable for the new charges, even though the new charges are made after divorce. The debt load on these cards, delinquent payments, and any default or referral to a collection agency, will appear on the credit reports of both account holders. The creditor will also be able to pursue either or both account holders for payment, including interest, penalties, and possibly legal fees. The creditor does not have to be fair - if it wants, it can direct all of its collection efforts at the innocent spouse.
Thus, a divorce judgment should include a deadline by which the joint credit card debts allocated to each spouse will be paid off in full, and provide for appropriate remedies in the event that repayment does not occur. Note that refinancing credit card debt is often as simple as applying for a new credit card and requesting a balance transfer.

There should be a "hold harmless" clause in the divorce judgment which prevents the spouse who is responsible for the debt from trying to shift any responsibility back onto the other spouse, and an "indemnification" clause which requires the spouse who is responsible for the debt to repay any losses suffered by the other spouse, including any payments made toward the debt by that spouse, or legal fees incurred in defending against a collection action or returning to court to compel compliance with the terms of the divorce judgment.

There is also language which can be included in a divorce judgment, which can help protect an ex-spouse from being left without recourse if the other spouse declares bankruptcy before paying off the credit card debts. Ask your lawyer if it is possible to include language which will make the spouse's obligations under the divorce judgment non-dischargeable, or significantly less likely to be discharged, based upon the manner in which the debt and repayment obligation are characterized in the divorce judgment, for example by characterizing the timely payment of the debt as being necessary for the support of the other spouse.

Estranged evangelists meet, no resolution yet

By D. AILEEN DODD
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Published on: 03/10/08

National evangelist Juanita Bynum on Monday finally met with her estranged husband, Bishop Thomas W. Weeks III, and his attorney for a deposition in preparation for divorce proceedings. The meeting, which began at 9 a.m. in the law office of Randy Kessler, attorney for Weeks, lasted for more than six hours. Bynum came to the deposition with her attorney, Karla Walker, of Valdosta. Weeks, who will face criminal charges Tuesday for allegedly beating Bynum, also attended the meeting. So did Ed Garland, his defense attorney in the criminal case.

The deposition lasted for about three hours, but the group continued a closed-door discussion afterwards. Weeks emerged from the law office about 3:40 p.m. smiling.

"Things are good, they are always good," he said as the elevator doors closed behind him. Ten minutes later, Bynum appeared in black coat and tinted sunglasses. When asked was the divorce resolved she said "no," and would not comment further.

Kessler sought a court order to sit Bynum down for a deposition after several attempts to meet with the pastor failed because of scheduling conflicts. He said he wanted an opportunity to talk with Bynum on the record about allegations of cruelty in the marriage before the divorce case went to court. The couple has been separated since June.

Kessler said he asked Bynum what she would accuse Weeks of and what Bynum did to Weeks in their stormy marriage. "This was a normal standard deposition," Kessler said. "There was no yelling and arguing. I think it was helpful for everybody."

At about 1:50 p.m. the attorneys Kessler, Walker and Garland left the law office to go to lunch and talk. Garland would not say why he attended the proceedings.
Bynum and Weeks remained in the law office while their lawyers, who didn't return by the close of the business day, were away. A lawyer at Kessler's firm, Monica Hanrahan said she later joined the couple but would not say what was being discussed.

Kessler returned alone after 5 p.m. and said the divorce case and criminal case share similarities. Bynum also has alleged abuse in the divorce case. She is seeking divorce for "cruel treatment." "The facts are the same," Kessler said. "She is claiming mental cruelty based on the incident that occurred on Aug. 21."

On that day Weeks allegedly assaulted Bynum in the Renaissance Concourse Hotel parking lot near Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. Garland was in the law office while Bynum was deposed, which allowed him to hear the testimony of the main witness in the criminal case the day before trial, scheduled to start at 11:30 a.m. today in Fulton County Superior Court.

Garland will be representing Weeks as he faces charges of aggravated assault, terroristic threats and simple battery. Weeks has pleaded not guilty and has said that he has been a victim of domestic violence in his marriage to Bynum.

Family Wars: The Alienation of Children

Family Wars: The Alienation of Children

(provided by Dr. Peggie Ward)

Composite case from actual examples
The parents of Amy (age 10) and Kevin (age 7) are divorcing after 13 years of marriage. Their father, by temporary stipulation, has moved from the marital home. He is entitled to visit with the children on alternating weekends and one evening, during the week. Soon, the children begin to refuse to go with him. At first, they do not want to leave Mom; they say that they are afraid to go. When Dad comes to the house, Mom tells him that she\he will "not force the children to go." "Visitation is up to them." and she\he will "not interfere in their decision".

The children refuse to talk with him on the phone. Mom calls him names when he telephones and complains constantly about her financial situation, blaming him, all within hearing of the children.Dad attempts to talk with the children about the situation, then to bribe them with movies, shopping trips, toys. They become more and more sullen with him and resistant to coming. Anything, routine doctor visits, invitations from a friend, a visit to Aunt Beth, serves as an excuse to avoid visits.A court appointed guardian ad litem learns from the children that "Dad is abusive and mean to us. " They do not want to go on visits. However, when asked to give specific examples of how he is abusive, their stories are not convincing, "He yells too loud when we make noise." "He made me climb all the way to the top of a mountain." "He gets mad at me about my homework." "He makes me wear my bike helmet." "He pounds the wall to get us up in the morning and it makes me afraid that he'll hit me." They say that he has never hit them, although they state that they are very afraid that he will. These children are in the process of becoming alienated from their father.An increasing number of children are experiencing the divorce of their parents or litigation over their custody some time during their minority. Some children experience the concerted, albeit often unconscious or unintended, attempt of one parent to alienate them from their other parent. It is the purpose of this article to alert lawyers, judges and parents involved in divorce and custody wars to the serious nature of parental alienation and to provide suggestions for court based intervention.
I. Definitions
II. Harm to The Child
III. Motivation for Alienation
IV. Recognition of Alienating Behaviors

A. The Continuum: Distiquishing between"typical Divorce and "Alienation"
B. Mild
C. Moderate
D. Overt
E. Severe

1. Prevention

A. Education
B. Attorneys
C. Courts
2. Mild Alienation cases
3. Moderate
4. The Parent Evaluation
5. Severe: The Fully Enmeshed Child
6. Conclusion

Information provided by: Dr. Peggie Ward located at http://www.divorcesource.com/NH/DS/ward.html